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Fragile Spark

by Haven Jean

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1.
To fly - curtal sonnet In memories of childhood I can fly Down lanes and beaches, forging my own path. Let loose upon the world with open heart And still that well of wonder isn’t dry I live in magic this enchanted hearth And I can’t tell you when I felt it start But gradually the world seemed to constrict I couldn’t stop it not with all my craft Till colour light and magic all depart This bleakness that my brain can’t contradict Apart.
2.
Failure - Lai Sitting in my chair On my derrière I ache Painfully aware Others would forbear Mistake Colleagues unaware Life in disrepair I’m fake
3.
Make me Wait - triolet I wish you wouldn't make me wait My thoughts churn ever faster Oh please, do not suspend my fate, I wish you wouldn't make me wait And leave me to anticipate A triumph or disaster I wish you wouldn't make me wait My thoughts churn ever faster
4.
Time - Rispetto Time marches onwards, but it’s not consistent. The hours in a work day are horribly long. Eternally dragging their feet, rush-resistant You thought it was lunchtime? Well sorry, you’re wrong. And then in the evening and weekend it flies, I can’t keep up, it knows I don’t exercise. It speeds and it speeds till there’s no time for fun Until what do you know? A new workday’s begun.
5.
In my room - Rondine In my room I’m avoiding everyone It’s bad enough that I know I exist I think of all the things that I’ve dismissed I don’t think that I’m capable of fun So here I’ll sit not seeing anyone I can’t imagine that I will be missed In my room I haven’t any power to resist This bleakness, strength and energy is done It’s only second hand I see the sun My tears rain, even when I’m being kissed In my room
6.
Fear - Villanelle The morning I awoke in fear A sweaty tangle in the sheets How could I know that I was here? A chilling whisper in my ear A stabbing pain, a burning heat The morning I awoke in fear Asleep or wake was still unclear My journey out was incomplete How could I know that I was here? And as the pain hit, so severe I felt my natural thoughts retreat The morning I awoke in fear An unfamiliar atmosphere My grunts and tears were not discreet How could I know that I was here? That terror was not insincere The nightmare’s end was bittersweet The morning I awoke in fear How could I know that I was here?
7.
Frustration - cinquain Fuck it, I’m not moving Fuck this fucking body Suck to death of being perceived It hurts
8.
Adoration - Limerick My love, he was lying there snoring I thought, shit, have I become boring? Took a sip of my wine, Shrugged, thought, oh well, that’s fine I am not fun, but I’m still adoring My love, he’s a role playing nerd And sometimes I think it’s absurd But when I see him grin As a new game begins The loving in my heart is stirred My love loves me too this I know And the thought of it brings me aglow He’s sweet and he’s kind When I’m stuck in my mind I’m lucky to have such a beau
9.
Rest - Awdl Gywydd Without him, I would have died Never tried, at least not yet Just to rest my tired eyes Dare I exercise this threat
10.
Messy Daffodil - ballad Our love’s a messy daffodil, It’s delicate and sweet. It shouts its gaudy yellowness It’s always indiscreet. Our love’s a messy daffodil, An early sign of spring. It started with a single shoot, Was ‘just a casual fling’. And like a messy daffodil, With slightly ragged petals, Our love stands proudly, strong of root. It will not be unsettled. Our shoots defy the winter, Our blossom calls the sun. Our life together has been long, And yet it’s just begun. I love our messy daffodil, I shan’t deny its power. Come bask together in its warmth, This soft and fragrant flower.
11.
Cry more - Kyrielle You say it’s hard for white, cis men And you’ve been trying quite a bit You’re only racist now and then I really couldn’t give a shit Now see that great comedienne With all her charismatic wit You say she’ll never make you grin I’m sure she doesn’t give a shit And now you’re complaining once again Because you don’t know when to quit Keep crying in your big playpen Cause no-one else can give a shit
12.
Pain - Sestina Speaking of pain, it feels everlasting Like a sad God sitting on a mountain Grating tendrils, snaking through the body At every juncture stabbing and squeezing Until every movement brings new protest And all solutions are temporary Sleep is elusive and temporary Longing for silent rest, everlasting surfacing with every screaming protest Blearily ascending that damn mountain Joints and nerves tender from muscles squeezing The horrifying truth, this is my body. And yet, the damage down to this body Is ignorant, and not temporary Like grasping a delicate hand, squeezing, Unaware trauma is everlasting Preventing the scaling of the mountain Unheeding of this too feeble protest What use is a bloody protest It makes no difference to mind or body. Screams aren’t audible stop the mountain Everyone knows pain is temporary Chiding insistence, ‘it’s everlasting’ It’s just hysteria, nothing’s squeezing I told you, it’s invisible squeezing Why does no one listen to my protest Interminable and everlasting Dismissal - I know my fucking body It’s your opinion that’s temporary Deny all you want, there’s still a mountain The view from the summit, up the mountain Shows the reality, time is squeezing Sighting of victory! Temporary Sinking down again, too tired for protest. Wearily heave this burdensome body To then dream of a rest everlasting Down this so-called temporary ephemeral mountain It remains everlasting, constricting, stabbing and squeezing. With barely a protest, the prickling chill paralyses the body.
13.
Free (nonet) 01:17
Free - Nonet This pain I’m in is terrifying, Will I ever be comfortable? I know I can affect it So why is that so hard? I do want to move I want to dance Gracefully, Wildly, Free.
14.
On Repeat - Rondel It seems my life is on repeat An everlasting, tired refrain I sit, I stand, I wince in pain And pray, someday, I’ll change this beat But why’s it such a lofty feat? And why are all my hopes in vain? I try to flip the next repeat But once again, the same refrain I might one day accept defeat Be still, and watch it play again For now I try, I stretch, I strain, I reach, I grab, I bloody yeet This dull monotonous repeat
15.
See The Dawn - Sonnet I sit in no-man’s land, I cannot move My body tense my thoughts still run amok I wish for forward motion, but I’m stuck I see myself, detached as if removed This fear of failure cannot be disproved My inner shame, that I’m afraid I suck I almost wish I didn’t give a fuck Not wounded by each minimal reprove But here I sit, a lazy, pouting child Who cries and whinges that they can’t go on Who longs to be expansive, loud, and wild And wishes that these binding chains were gone The blank sheet of my life is this defiled And all I pray is that I see the dawn
16.
Hygiene - Ottova rima I didn’t want to have a bath today I couldn't face the thought of all that work And no one will be near me anyway To tell me that if I smell like some old jerk And hygiene’s overrated I would say And liking being filthy? Just a quirk So please forgive me if I pong I just don’t think that smelling bad is wrong.
17.
Conform - Clogyrnach Being alive is fucking hard Existence hurts, my soul is scarred And yet I perform And I won’t conform Can’t transform Just discard
18.
Hope - Bref Double I’d like to speak today of hope And how to see the road ahead To lift your gaze and trust in fate And show your face to different friends When yesterday you couldn’t cope When eyes they wept and soul it bled You couldn’t see but past an inch Found no beginnings only ends But if you keep on looking out And reaching out through time’s divide You’ll find some laughter bubbles up And gleaming golden light extends Cause life’s a weird kaleidoscope And best enjoyed before you’re dead.
19.
Alive in The Sun - Roundel Alive in the sun, I relish the day A lightness of touch, then it won’t be undone My thanks to the Gods I fervently Pray Alive in the sun These shafts of warm light from liquid gold spun A force field keeping the black dog at bay Today I am sure, Yes! I am the one. This fragile spark wasn’t there yesterday I feel the tide change, it has begun A voyage, sailing away from the grey Alive in the sun
20.
Rainstorm - haiku This constant spillage Wind grazing my bare shoulder Will the gutters hold?

about

A collection of poems in various forms, written in the depths of a nervous breakdown, set to music during my recovery. Bleak, funny, and raw.

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released February 28, 2022

Written, recorded and produced by Haven Jean

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The Den Bristol, UK

The Den are a couple of dirty hippies who like to mess about with music.

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